In my last post, I included a vote as to which recipe I should make. All the options (minus the SPAM one) were particularly atrocious—well, maybe just the salmon-tomato one. The rest had their pros and cons; that one was all cons. Anyways, the SPAM recipe won, but since I believed it to be superior in terms of taste, I said screw it and I’ll go with the runner-up. That’s what led to PET Milk’s Tuna Pizza. Just the name is making my stomach churn.

Anyways, here’s the ad that led me down such a dark path:

I should have known when I read step 2 and it said, “. . . cover with 1/2 cup catsup or chili sauce, then with a 7-oz. can Tuna,” that I was in for a treat. And boy was I.

I mean, just look at this thing while it’s in the oven. I couldn’t even be bothered to take a picture beforehand because all the evaporated milk that I had to spread to the edges, just dripped off the sides. It wasn’t really a parmesan and evaporated milk mixture; it was a pile of slop. And then I had to put the chili sauce/ketchup on top of that slop? How? How was I supposed to do that? So, guess what I did? I glopped it on the slop. Glop slop.

Just look at that “mixture” trying to build its own crust around the dough.

After a solid nine-ish minutes in the oven at 450, I decided it was time to take this thing out before my house smelled of evaporated milk and hot ketchup.

Overall, it didn’t look too unappetizing . . . and somehow, it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. That still goes to the hot dog aspic. Anyways, the chili sauce/ketchup was the most overwhelming part of the whole thing. It overtook every other flavor, so when I got a bite that was an edge piece with just the slop, crust, and oregano, it wasn’t too bad. Also, the edges were the only part with any crunch. The rest of the dough was rather soft.

If I had to make it again, I’d remove the chili sauce and just let the evaporated milk and parmesan go about their business. Then, I’d throw the can of tuna out the window; my neighbors can have it if they want it. Nothing wrong with the tuna, but it’s not needed here. I understand for the late 50’s, this was cheap and a time saver, but in 2023 almost anything else would suffice instead.

My final decision: make it.

Just kidding.

Go eat something better while my stomach twists.

Seriously, all I taste is chili sauce right now.